How are you spending your time? Are the things I’m consumed with today worth my time, considering I only have so much? When your children move out, what values will they carry with them? When they start their families, what priorities will they have learned from their years in your house? When their marriages get difficult, finances get rough or medical hardships overtake their life, will they have learned strong and resilient lessons from watching you climb your own mountains? When I am finished with my life here on earth, will my loved-ones carry regret over how much time I spent looking elsewhere for contentment or satisfaction? Will the relationship with God that I model throughout my life be one they are trying to imitate or will it be the “What NOT to do” guideline they live by?

As the busyness of school, sports, holidays and just life gets stirred up this time of year, our priorities can get really jumbled. The list of HAVE-TOs are largely made up by expectation and peer pressure when you really think about it. So many things we do are good or nice, but when we let them get in the way of what’s important, they’ve become a problem.

It is so easy to fall into have to mode before you’ve even really thought about it. Honestly, that’s hard any time of year. Music, committees, programs, sports, social clubs, co-ops, and jobs of all kinds can be very good for our families. We are heavily involved in several of these things in my family right now. They are valuable on so many levels. But it becomes a problem for my marriage if our involvement in anything eliminates all the downtime for just us. Or these activities become a problem if we are always missing time with family or worship because a job or sports team takes up the majority of our life. If my child moves out of my house and can’t fill a dishwasher, do a load of laundry or change a tire because all of his extra activities always came first, then I believe that’s a problem. If another child aces every test she takes, places first in everything she plays, and racks up a full ride scholarship to the best places, but can’t say a kind word to anyone or has no real appreciation for what Jesus has done for her, then there is a problem. No matter what we’re talking about, there’s always a line where really good things, can become a problem.

So, the purpose of a November Reset for Priorities is to eliminate or prevent those kinds of problems creeping in. In this year alone Randy has coached 2 soccer teams for 2 seasons and 1 season of t-ball in the middle of it, I have taken on a significantly larger responsibility at our local co-op, all 3 kids have joined the homeschool choir (which is a big driving commitment), and we’ve taken several trips on top of regular life and school stuff. All those things are good things and largely things we don’t regret in time spent. But there is a constant nagging in my brain that says, “Did we get to all the important stuff though?”

When I think about resetting my priorities, it looks like taking stock of the next several weeks and boiling them down to what’s really important. If 6 weeks go by, what are the most important things I hope to accomplish or facilitate? In 6 weeks, I could change the course of a relationship, establish new routines, eliminate bad habits, learn a new skill, and so many other things. We say we can’t get to things, but the truth is many of those can’ts are just non-priorities. We haven’t decided they are more important than the things we do get to. We all prioritize choices every day. The question is are those the important ones.

And after looking at your life, maybe you’ll come to the conclusion that you ARE prioritizing the important things. What a comfort that is! But, maybe like me, you see some things that you wish were different. The reminder I need is that it isn’t too late to grow over the next several weeks. Whatever needs tending to or refocused on, we can push a reset button and commit differently this time. One of the ways I want to adjust is my internal dialogue and how that affects how I think about my family. Here’s an example. When I get sick, I wish Randy took care of me the way my mother does. He will largely do anything I ask, but I have to hand out the instructions, which I wish I didn’t have to do. There isn’t a big right or wrong here but simply preference. We got sick over the weekend and I did have a bit of resentment over wanting to just burrow further into my bed and instead needed to get up and cover all the bases somehow. But today, that husband of mine offered to run an errand (with kids) for me so that I could have some time to myself. He even tacked on extra library time mostly just to give me extra time. He knows I need it and that I need to write. My mental commentary leans heavy to the negative. I know it. I’m pretty certain it’s genetic in more ways than one. The point is this. I should appreciate the good good man that I married for what he is, rather than get hung up on what he isn’t - especially when we’re talking about preferences. I don’t do that enough, but what if I set an intention for the next six weeks to dwell on and appreciate the things he does out of love. If I really tried, couldn’t I strengthen our relationship and encourage him as my partner with a more positive outlook directed at him? Lord willing, no matter where the kids go and what they do, my husband will be my constant friend. Why wouldn’t I want that dynamic to thrive every chance I get?

Maybe you simply want to walk through the holidays with peace and calm. Maybe your health is in a crisis and you need to make changes. Maybe there’s a project or skill that you’ve neglected for too long. Perhaps we’ve just let all these things in life to take our eyes off of Jesus and what He wants us to be doing. Whatever it is, let’s take stock and reset our priorities.

Whether you’ve been married 40 years or divorced 3 times or never dated once, it is really easy and common to bash on marriage these days. Some will argue that its an outdated and sexist institution. Others will complain that most men/women are worthless. Or for a lot of us, it’s just more work than we’re willing to give. I know there are stories upon stories we could all tell that might validate any one of these scenarios in our mind. Today, I just want to talk about how good marriage is. You might think, “Oh, here we go.” because I spend the next few paragraphs telling you how great Mr. Butler is and how everyone should be like him. Nah, not today. Marriage is good - not because I landed a perfect one - but because when you give it a chance, it makes you both better.

From a family photo session in 2017 when I was pregnant with the Racecar.

At 22 or 23, I was internally frantic that I wasn’t married yet. It sure would have helped to know that an ADHD brain can often speed through if/then scenarios and come to the farthest possible conclusion in a matter of seconds. It didn’t mean I was always likely to be right, it just meant my brain had too much time on it’s hands. Not being married, not being engaged, and not having a boyfriend would all combine with my multi-faceted anxiety about myself as anything positive and I naturally concluded that I was never going to be married and thus live a miserable existence. Another symptom of ADHD is exaggerated emotions, but I didn’t understand that then either. In the moments that I remember the many promises of God and I still thought it possible to find a spouse, I always imagined that he would be some diamond in the rough out of nowhere that only I discovered. What’s funny about that is that God answered that request in its entirety. Mr. Butler was so unlike anyone I had ever known, I really didn’t want to date him when the idea was first presented to me. Even now, 15 years later, I am always telling him there isn’t anyone quite like him. That can be a wonderful and sweet thing, but it’s also infuriating and exhausting.

Within the first year of our marriage, it became clear that my young husband had zero bedside manner, especially when you’re sick. Or was it just when I was sick? After a dinner at Chili’s one night, I got a severe case of food poisoning. I went to sleep sick at my stomach and woke around 2 or 3 telling him I thought I was going to throw up to which he laughed at me and said “No, you’re not. Quit being a baby.” I was vindicated when I threw up everything I had a few minutes later, but his measly apology didn’t really make me feel better about the heartlessness he had shown earlier! Fast forward 5-6 years and he laughs almost hysterically as I’m about to start pushing during labor with my daughter. Yep, there’s no one like him.

In one day early in our marriage, I dropped my laptop from a window sill (because we didn’t have internet yet, but our neighbors did) and couldn’t get it working again. Mr. Butler said the words, “Go take the dog for a walk. You can’t break anything out there.” Breaking his things makes him really cranky. So, I subsequently dropped and stepped on my phone, resulting in two pieces while on that walk. I also lost my beautiful, unique and not free engagement ring. Twice. The first time was on a campout and our entire party ended up looking and finding it. Whew! The second time, I have no idea how it made it off my finger or where it is to this day. The fact that he can still smile at me today or subsequently gave me 3 children AFTER I lost it, is a miracle all its own.

Neither one of us are a walk in the park, that’s for sure. But together, we are better. He’s not perfect still. And, I know you’re shocked, but neither am I. STILL! Maybe that’s where we’ve gotten the wrong idea. When we say “They’re perfect for each other!” many of us expect it to be a final state of completion upon marriage. In reality, marriage is a tool that can shape us, mature us and sanctify us when we allow it to. Though, if we head into it (like so many of us do) thinking this person will naturally agree with everything that makes sense to me, though we carry different DNA and grew up in different homes, it’s not a surprise that we hit irreconcilable differences in no time or grow in resentment and dysfunction. Marriage is so good, but maybe it’s hard to tell because we get in its way. Sometimes we get mad at the constant tug of war not realizing that the back and forth is shaping us into a more balanced version of ourselves.

While Mr. Butler and I share similar values in parenting, religion and approach to life (we’re both first born), we are polar opposites in many, many ways. When we got married, he was rigidly structured, financially focused, and logical for days, regardless of anyone’s feelings. If you knew me at all in college, you know that all things emotional, relational, and creative were where I wanted to live. He got up early, I wanted to sleep in. He wanted to save, I was ready to spend. He saw a deadline, I saw a relationship needing attention. We started out so different. Did I change him? Did he change me? Absolutely not. Marriage did though. This beautiful commitment that God holds together has given us something to hold on to when that other person is absolutely not worth it. We are flawed and broken and maddening. But God knew we would be and gave us marriage to help us grow.

Marriage isn’t for everyone. Marriage is hard. A lot of times, marriage is simply ridiculous. But don’t ever convince yourself that marriage isn’t good. Because it is. So so good.

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Despite the Secret Service/Muscle-Bound vibe Mr. Butler gives off on the outside, this goofball loves a challenge and equally loves to make me happy. Early on in our marriage, he didn’t really think making a big deal over anniversaries or holidays was all that important, but nowadays he goes over and above to make up for it. He certainly spoils me in that department and I don’t deserve it. Regardless, his pragmatic side has convinced him that the happier I am, the better everything in our life can potentially be so he’s decided it’s worth it and I’m not complaining!

So, when we were destined to be snowed in around Valentine’s Day, our options were a little bit more limited in the celebrating/gift department. So, he got creative. If your social media feeds ever look like mine, you have probably seen an ad for Show Her Off at some point over the last year. Apparently, Mr. Butler got them constantly and, like the dog whining at the door finally gets you, he decided to give it a whirl and try out the first level of Date Night Dancing as a surprise for me.

Now, understand this: We are not dancers. We took a ballroom dancing class once almost 10 years ago, but neither of us remember much of it. We have never gone out dancing and have no plans to ever do so either. So on the surface, besides being married, we don’t exactly fit the demographic you would think they were looking for. However, this has turned out to be one of my favorite gifts he’s ever given me - and he’s gotten really good at gift giving!

What We Received:

The introductory online streaming package of Date Night Dancing includes a library of 19 YouTube videos for $67 that teach a series of dance moves designed to be used with any kind of music. It is also available in DVD format for the same price or both for $87.

How It Works:

Since the videos are YouTube based, they are accessible by just about any device and perfect for the living room, which is where we used them. They move in succession and build on one another, but stopping and restarting is obviously very easy. The lessons are taught from a guy’s perspective mostly to the guys perspective, making the assumption that guys are often naturally more hesitant to participate. Once you feel confident in the move or series of moves being taught, you can continue or stop and try them out with music of your choice. Our Alexa got quite a workout as we tried to come up with music to experiment with.

What We Thought:

First of all, the fact that Mr. Butler was willing to try this out with me - WITHOUT me asking - made the gesture one of the sweetest things. The night of our family Valentine’s dinner, I was busy telling kids good night and I came back to the living room to see the coffee table moved out of the way and him getting the videos set up. So sweet! Secondly, it was such a work out! The amount of steps you take certainly boosts your daily counter, but also there are some dips and spins that don’t happen by accident. Since that first night, there have been more than one occasion when I’ve asked him if we could dance after the kids go to bed just because I felt like I needed the physical boost! We have now done it enough times and learned a few moves well enough that we can pick up whenever music is one. So. Much. Fun!

With this kind of activity, I think most people are going to walk in to it with a lot of assumptions.

“Oh, it would be so romantic!” “I’ll do it once, but never again after that.” “I can’t dance so it would never work.” “We’re never going to go dancing so why waste the money on something like that?”

For us, it has romantic moments, but more than anything we laugh. so. hard. We’re not naturally graceful. It takes concentration and work, but it allows us to work together, be together and just have fun together. And, it just makes you feel a bit like a kid sometimes - in the best way possible! As I write this, it has been a few days and I’m missing it. It allows us to reconnect without us having to watch a show or be on our phones, which, let’s face it is pretty tempting most nights.

Now, I recognize that my husband is always game for adventures and not every guy is going to seek something like this out. Understood. “My husband would never do that!” Maybe you’re right, but I will say this. The actual premise of these lessons (stated by the instructor many times) is for the guy to be able to bring his girl joy, showcase her and simply be the picture frame. The actual moves we have learned so far are fairly simple, easily repeatable in multiple settings, and just not about him all that much.

Often the reviews I do are for something I received for free or might have affiliate links attached. This product is 100% something we bought and get zero kickbacks! Honestly, I just really wanted to share this fun thing because marriage is really hard and finding ways to rise above all of the stress, miscommunication and conflict is not an easy thing. Dancing in our living room has certainly been invigorating on a physical level, but certainly has just brought us closer as friends and partners. The next time you consider a date night with your spouse where you’re likely to spend cash on dinner and some activity, why not stay in and go on an adventure that can be continued for years to come!

I am so thankful he rolled the dice on this and continues to invest in our marriage. It’s been so much fun!

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