You’re not the only one who feels lonely a lot.

For every person who could write volumes of praise about their best friend or circle of friends, there are half a dozen other people who would admit they feel lonely a lot and not satisfied with  the friends they may or may not have.  The disconnection of this past year might feel like a good explanation but I assure you, this was the case long before the world was forced to stop.  Society has been struggling with connection for a while now.

Maybe we need to start an application process for friendships!  Would that save us all a lot of time and heartbreak?  That way we could know someone truly desired a friendship, the application process might determine if they were really compatible.  Like, if I forget to text you back over 18 hours, will you lose interest in me or judge my sincerity? Will you always invite me to come along, even if you think I'll say no?  How many times have you silently, maybe subconsciously held expectations of a friend only to be disappointed?  You get invited to the bigger things that most people on the fringe are anyway, but the just because I want to spend time with you, those are rare.  What about the incompatible ones? You feel like you ought to be the best of friends, but they don't get how you spend your money or parent your kids.  High school friends are often friends out of convenience, but once that common meeting place goes away, maintaining friends is really hard for a lot of people.  Especially if you're in the market for more than a surface friend.  Can you tell them you're having trouble without feeling judged or alienated?  Honestly that is a really unique skill that most of us aren't very good at.

Let's be honest.  Some people aren't good at being friends.  Some people are too busy to be close friends.  Many people define what a good friend is VERY differently.  Some people are afraid of rejection.  Some people are consumed with their own life.  Some seasons of life literally push us down a crack and no one notices until it's too late.  Most of us aren't in the habit of expressing our needs or desires for a friendship.  I'm good at feeling left out or longing to be the it-person for someone I admire, but I would likely hyperventilate before expressing any of that to the person directly.   Maybe you're like that.  And so assumption after assumption gets made about how full other people's lives are and what kind of friends are bringing them joy.  We assume people don't need our friendship.  We assume other people aren't lonely.  The loneliness that people do feel doesn't see much light of day because it typically gets tagged as whining or pathetic. 

So, reality gets hidden and mental health issues continue to grow.

I recently had someone I've known for many years, but have never lived by start texting me regularly with the expressed intent to be better friends with me.  No expectations or judgements, just genuine interest and discussion.    If you know me at all, you know I'm way better at deep soul talk than small-talk so this has led to some bearing of the heart in really great ways.  This really positive thing has me wondering about the rest of the world.  Do people normally do this? Because this is the first time it’s every happened to me. Have you ever purposed in your heart to be a safe friend for someone? I think I have tried to help people from time to time, but I don’t think I’ve been quite so intentional and consistent. I fear I have no clue how most of the world maintains their relationships, but I wonder if this approach has possibilities for improvement.

We're all holding our collective breath and have been for about a year now.  Our fear and humanity has been paraded around like a side show almost. It's taken our disconnected living and put it on steroids.  We've yearned for normalcy and human interaction.  As the world recovers to a better place, what are we going to do about connection? I'm not sure what all the answers are, but I believe we have to do better somehow.  Even if we don’t see it right away, surely you know people are in pain that they don’t feel safe talking about. Maybe we just all need to be a little more honest about our feelings and needs.  If I want my children to grow up with a healthy mental and emotional life, I can't teach them that it's right to ignore pain (mine or yours) until it grows into a forest fire out of control.

One of my children recently had something on their mind, but was struggling with telling me or not.  Turns out they were afraid we would laugh. The beauty of it was how normal of a question it was. But in their child-like mind, they were afraid they were alone in this concern.  We all have concerns or fears that the devil tries to convince us are ours alone.   But it's not true.  Lots of people feel lonely.  Many people struggle with their place in the world.  We are not alone, but more likely just not communicating very well.

Let's work on that. 

“Where there’s life, there’s hope.” – Marcus Tullius Cicero

 In my house are several houseplants and Ivy is one of the easiest and most proliferating plants to maintain.  Every year or so I’ll collect my plants to pull off dead leaves, repot some that have grown too large and try to beautify others.  Before we moved I had pulled off a green vine with no leaves from a larger plant and planted it in hopes of reviving it and growing leaves.   The pot I used had deep significance to me because a sweet cousin of mine had given it to me when my son was born.  Because of that significance, I was hoping to will the plant to thrive.  Of course, there is no guarantee that the plant would make it because I had failed before, but more often than not, it turns out beautifully.

This transplant happened a year ago from this writing.  For over 11 months, I watered that little vine – which was pretty ugly as ivy vines go because it had no leaves – with little to no changes that I could see.  Month after month, I kept watering it with a glimmer of hope just because I wanted it to survive so badly.  We moved and for a while it was in the kids’ bathroom and then I moved it to mine because there was an abundance of sunshine there.  Up until that point, nothing changed or suggested that it was even alive, except the vine was still moderately green.  No leaves, no sprouts, nothing.  In June, with no significant event crowning the moment, a little perfect leave sprouted on the vine.  2 months later, today there are several gorgeous leaves!  It’s the little things, I know, but this illustrates such a beautiful thought about life and our children.

Our children are originally connected to a womb that facilitates everything they need to grow and develop.  When they are born and throughout our time with them we are doing the work of transplanting them into their own pot so to speak where we pray they will thrive.  But there are always times – sometimes years – in their lives where there is no visible fruit.   There is just enough life to keep us from giving up, but it still might seem futile.  “That will never happen.”  Too many times we make up our minds about the possibility of something.  Learning a skill, mending a relationship or even making a life right with God – never underestimate the beauty of the human spirit and the power of God.  Many things might be unlikely, but never quit working, hoping or praying for those important things we’d like to happen.

There may be difficulties and discouraging trials right now.  That in no way dictates the possibility of new life in the future!  Every time I walk by the edge of my bathroom window and see that flourishing plant, I well up inside because it is just proof that with God and His tools and His time frame, all can be made new again.

Originally posted in 2016 at The Old Schoolhouse Magazine Homeschooling with Heart Blog

Is ADHD a Copout? If you would have asked me several years ago, I would have sheepishly said yes.  I simply thought it was boys who can't seem to sit still combined with a few unhealthy habits.  I assumed that with a good diet, choice supplements and more time in nature, any ADD/ADHD sufferer should be fine.  And maybe I still believe that can be true, but I honestly had no concept of what it even was until recently.  I certainly didn't ever think it applied to more girls that we realize or, least of all, me.

What did I think about myself and my quirky brain?  Ever since college, I usually felt like the world was accusing me of not working hard enough.  I felt judged for my lifelong habit of losing things like keys, wallet, engagement ring - TWICE, and just about anything that used to be there but somehow found its way somewhere else.  Failure has been a constant diagnosis every moment I'm faced with too much to do and not enough time to do it.  Every time I have emotionally (or otherwise) hyperventilated because my routine gets thrown off by minor events, I have hated myself.  The long list of unfinished projects, books and ideas bring me deep shame.  My deepest desire most days? To have uninterrupted hours of time where I can dive solely into a project.  I have always felt different than most, but I rarely felt like I could justify that to anyone in such a way where they wouldn't just consider me as dramatic and lazy.  Never before this past year or so would I ever think all of those things combined would paint a picture of ADHD.

Did you know there are more than one types of ADHD?  I didn't.  Hyperactivity is only one.  About a year ago I ran across the inattentive type and how women often suffer more from this one.  Even then, I wasn't sure this knowledge would matter that much to me.

Below is an overview of what ADHD is:

"ADHD stands for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. A person with ADHD has differences in brain development and brain activity that affect attention, the ability to sit still, and self-control.   People with ADHD of the inattentive type have trouble paying attention to details, are easily distracted, often have trouble organizing or finishing tasks and often forget routine chores (such as paying bills on time or returning phone calls). 

Executive function is the brain’s ability to prioritize and manage thoughts and actions. This ability permits individuals to consider the long-term consequences of their actions and guide their behavior across time more effectively.  Individuals who have issues with executive functioning (ADHD sufferers) may have difficulties completing tasks or may forget important things." From <https://chadd.org/for-adults/overview/>

Even after a definition of terms like that, I still didn't recognize myself in those things right away.  Anytime I would start to acknowledge a symptom, the voice in my head could always convince me I wasn't working smart enough or just looking for an excuse.  It wasn't until I started noticing/following social media accounts that talked about ADHD in women that I truly changed my thinking on the entire subject.  Everything from silly memes to serious women in industry highlighting the very things I struggle with and experience started to open my eyes to a perspective of myself I had never been given before.

ADHD isn't a cop out.  Can I say that because I have years of education or clinical experience? No.  Have I ever been to a doctor who has evaluated me and handed over a diagnosis? No.  I am completely self-diagnosed.  I feel confident in saying ADHD isn't  a cop out because this new perspective has allowed me not to hate myself when I get overwhelmed and distracted.  That's never happened before.  I want others who might be suffering in this way to consider what ADHD is because for the first time, especially since having kids, I'm learning how to function in peace with who I am.  I wish I had understood this from the  beginning.  I expect my daughter’s brain struggles similarly to mine. Wouldn’t you want to be able to help your child long before they have to survive on their own as an adult? I’m so thankful for this journey into new information!

Are you unsure and wondering if this is at all relevant to you or someone in your life?  Follow me on Instagram where I share a lot of good information on ADHD, especially in women that can really help in understanding.

When it comes to Valentine’s Day, our culture provides romance for couples and school parties for kids, but there’s much less of a push for family time. Around our house, we love Valentine’s Day!  The romantic side of me has always been a sucker for flowers, candy and candlelight, but having children certainly changed how we celebrated.  On my oldest child’s first Valentine’s Day, it just couldn’t work for my husband and I to have dinner out somewhere. Instead of just feeling lame, I decided to make the best of it and we had a fancy dinner at home, complete with proper dress, sparkling cider and good china. We had a great time!

The next year and every year since, we have continued the tradition with the kids.  Just like taking your kids on dates long before they are old enough to go on their own, we accidentally discovered a great proving ground for things like manners, fancy dress and making things at home just as special as at a restaurant.My hope is that as they get older no matter their valentine status, this dinner will be something to look forward to.  One year we roasted smores in our fire pit on the back porch.  Another year, the kids and I made a special dessert together.  My favorite memory is the year they heard me say, “Go get dressed up for dinner” and came back as a princess and a cowboy!  Whether it was fancy clothes or costumes, it always creates a sense of excitement and importance for everybody.  Since then we’ve left the interpretation of dressing up wide open.  It has turned into this really special family event that everyone – including my husband – really enjoys.

One of the many benefits of homeschooling is the time and opportunity we have to build up our family identity through how we spend our time, including the way we celebrate holidays.  As we work hard to prepare our kids for real life, who they are in our family and what they learn is one of the most important gifts we can give them.  All the hard conversations we will face are likely made a little bit easier by the years of special, quality time spent together.  Like all traditions, it often doesn’t really matter what they are as much as that they bring your family joy and they are perpetuated somehow.  Maybe cooking or fancy dinners aren’t your thing. Don’t let someone else’s tradition intimidate you into not trying at all.  Scavenger hunts or a special game night can turn into something your family will remember long after you are gone.  One of my favorite bookmarks is a hand-colored, homemade valentine from my mom that she made for me after I was married.  A special outing or crafty gift or maybe starting a new read-aloud book together – anything that is done with intention can make your family feel special.

Originally posted on The Old Schoolhouse Magazine Blog - Homeschooling with Heart.

As Christians we claim to listen for God's direction.  When the world gets uncomfortable, we remind ourselves that God is still on the throne.  The messages we agree with and the sentiments we spout suggest that we are concentrating on what God is saying far more than what men are saying.  I grew up going to church and spent my whole life in religious circles.  The purpose of preaching is to hear what God has to say, right? But who are we really listening to?

How much of our lives is spent pouring over what mere humans are saying?  Culture, experts, trends, jobs, news, corporations, and so many other entities take priority in our heart over God's powerful and proven word.  It's easy to get caught up in playing house, as we do and make unconscious concessions simply because life seems to demand it.  Playing sports seems to demand missing family and church functions.  Corporate interests seem to determine how I spend my money.  The world's experts demand I dismiss how God designed the human body.  College and jobs determine where I live rather than the spiritual health of my family.  How many ridiculous trends have led to the absolute mistreatment of others or permanent damage to ourselves?  The way we live life in this modern age does not make sense on so many levels, but it especially falls short when compared to the instructions in living we find in scripture.

There is a lot of bullying going on in our world, even in the church and I wonder how many of us are participating?  Society is pushing their own ideas hard and when anyone thinks differently, they are often overtaken like a swarm of insects in the summer.  It's not a new thing for Christians to disagree with the world's ideas, but the habit we're in of attacking each other for considering God's ideas above man's is one we need to quit cold turkey!  When we're carefully handling God's ideas, rather than being consumed with the world's chaos, there is much peace to be found.

Today in Oklahoma it is 18 degrees and not supposed to get above freezing for a week or so.  I am 41 years old and I don't ever remember that happening.  I'm told the last time was sometime in the 1980's so I know it's possible, but just another item in the bizarre column of life we have stacked up.  The world looks crazy right now, but hasn't it always? Could it be that we've just listened to imperfect humans for a little too long?  Every day, every circumstance, God has something to say about it.  He's been giving guidance and direction from the beginning of whatever is troubling you.  Are we bothering to consider it?

Are you struggling with something wildly accepted by the world?  Is there nagging in the back of your mind, but absolutely afraid of the onslaught that would come if you start asking questions?  It's easy to dismiss some of God's directions, because they feel unreasonable up against our modern existence.  But doesn't that tell you something? You're listening to the wrong expert.  The world is a mess on a good day so why should we get bogged down by all it is saying?  The very foundation of the Christian faith is built on truth.  How on earth are you going to find truth in worldly places right now?  The next time you find yourself getting weary of all the chatter, ask yourself who you are listening to.  Jesus came so that we might have life in abundance.  That means we have to listen to what He has said far more than the messages of culture, corporation and corruption.

"For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joins and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."

Hebrews 4:12

Hearts. Candy. Flowers. Cards. Dinner reservations. Stuffed animals. I {heart} you. Disappointment. Comparison. Reminders that you're alone. Or with a crummy 'valentine'. Or that you're just not special enough for anyone to bother noticing, let alone sending you a valentine.

Yeah, isn't Valentine's Day awesome for the majority of the world? Like most other holidays, it's a perfect opportunity to either spend more money than you should and/or feel incredibly bad about your current relationship status. I'm very blessed to married to a great guy, but contrary to popular belief, having a significant other doesn't always mean a perfect holiday. Once there is a valentine, in walks expectations and comparisons and pressure. All ingredients of an ugly, hurtful fight. Trust me - a warm body isn't a solution.

Whether cynical or dreamy-eyed about the upcoming Love holiday, I think we all could use a different approach. Love is much more than candy and flowers. And showering a significant other is only a small part of what love means in the world.

Honor the INsignificant. Love the UNimportant. Put your heart loving energy into brightening anyone and everyone's day. Show love to strangers. Buy somebody's Starbucks. Show up early or stay late to help - especially if it isn't your job. Use whatever you have - extra time, money, kind words - to love others. And by all means, show those important people in your life love. But make it meaningful to them - think love language. Since most of us are going to be surrounded by this holiday anyway, make it really about love. Not things. Not appearances. Not obligations.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." I Corinthians 13:4-8

"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters." I John 3:16

Originally posted in 2013.

 Mistaking Impatience for Serious Learning Problems

In our diagnosis-heavy culture, a good-hearted mama can convince herself of all kinds of trouble at the slightest hint of a learning challenge.  Normal developmental issues - like turning words around or crying over math that is 'too hard' - suddenly become scary things like dyslexia and failure to thrive in a mathematical world.  I don't know about you, but as a homeschool mom I can overthink and overreact, especially as it pertains to the success or failure of my kids.  One of the lessons I have learned over the last 5 years of homeschooling is that impatience is the cause of way more problems than legitimate learning disorders.  Maybe impatience is a legitimate learning disorder?! Of course, learning problems are everywhere and I don't mean to take away from their reality.  What I have seen, though, is that it is terribly easy to give up and slap on a diagnosis before we have considered the less complicated analysis.  What if your student is just in a hurry to finish their schoolwork and tries to work too quickly to notice all the mistakes?  What if it's easier to cry (in hopes of getting out of it) than to spend 5 extra seconds concentrating on that new math concept? 

My 10 year old son has cried foul a lot, especially when it comes to math.  A couple of years ago I panicked (a complete overreaction) thinking he just wasn't getting it and would always struggle with math.  After a couple of months of beating myself up over it I discovered he wasn't struggling like I thought.  In fact, his struggle wasn't really with math at all. He was an impatient boy who was in a hurry to be done.  When you try to rush new things, they can seem hard when in fact they are simply new and take time.  This applies to all subjects and ages alike.  Too hard is a very relative term and often false.  If we expect something to take a week to master and it realistically will take 3, there is bound to be frustration.  If we go into a new thing with the understanding that it isn't going to click right away, students are more likely to keep steadily at it. 

The next time you start to diagnose a major learning issue, you might try one of these ideas first.

-Accuracy. Reinforce that the goal is for work to be done right, not fast.  Double-checking work will actually save time in the long run.

-Time Commitment. 30 minutes of reading rather than 3 books can encourage students to take more time with their work allowing for fewer mistakes.

-Discuss expectations.  Sometimes we don't realize what we are expecting until we discuss it out loud. Are you expecting too much? Does your child understand what this subject is supposed to look like when done well?

Before you throw in the towel on a new skill or program, determine if someone (maybe even you, mom) is getting impatient rather than truly struggling.  For better or worse, the simplest answer is also the most likely answer.

Let’s Make Some New Magic

Have you ever met up with an old friend you haven’t seen in years and it’s a little awkward because you’re a completely different person than you were back then? Sometimes I feel that way when I write. I remember the season when I truly discovered my relationship with writing and how amazing it was. It was around the same time that my future husband and I became such good friends. There was a lot of magic flying around then. Now, 16 years later, I really want that magic back.

Thankfully, I’m not talking about my marriage! We’re far from perfect, but I wouldn’t want us to go back to those foolish kids for anything! My relationship with writing, though, really needs a revival. It’s not exactly about the words being written or how my skills are being exercised. It’s my heart that’s the problem. As a 20-something living largely on my own and dreaming of the future, my creative spirit soared with possibilities. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. Like diving into marriage or parenthood, we all rush in with blinders and miss the realities we’re headed for until it’s a bit too late. That’s growing up, I’ve learned. Now, as a 41 year old woman, the blinders have come off. The magic of possibility has faded because I now know so much more about it. Frankly, it’s the price tag that I am now well aware of. Whatever your dream of possibility is - money, parenthood, marriage, business success, personal goals - they all cost something. That something includes time and commitment, of course, but more specifically, the neglect of something else, even if just temporarily. I hate that price tag. I want to do it all - mostly at the same time - and for no other priority to suffer. At all. That’s not how the world works though.

So, writing. Writing has become that unfinished puzzle in the corner that you might add a piece or two when you pass by every week or so, but it will likely get put up to make way for something else long before it actually gets finished. I have a healthy marriage that I want to stay that way. I homeschool three amazing children that I won’t risk being a stumbling block more than I already am. Now, more than ever, our health has to be a top priority which takes time and effort. There are so many important things that whisk you into the current before you’ve even given permission. That’s what erodes at the magic that once was. I’ve never been good at prioritizing my to-do list, a stereo-typical characteristic of the AHDH brain come to find out, and prioritizing something that no one else in the world is demanding I maintain takes moving a mountain sometimes.

In one of my favorite books on writing, Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg, she talks about how she practiced meditation for years, but most things in life didn’t make sense unless it was applied to writing. The following statement has always summed up my relationship with the written word:

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“This book is about writing. It is also about using writing as your practice, as a way to help you penetrate your life and become sane…To do writing practice means to deal ultimately with your whole life.”

Being a mom (especially one with ADHD) and having any kind of built in practice - prayer, art form, meditation, sacred alone time - is terribly hard. The broken-record phrase of every mom is “Me time? What’s that?” And those who do champion a mother’s self care often get accused of being self-focused snowflakes. There are a lot of hurdles in the way of staying sane within the realm of modern motherhood and I have fallen victim to every one of them over the last 10 years. The magic of writing that has slipped out of my hands so many times since my children were born is to be found in the practice of it. The immediate demands of this fast-paced life has shoved out the slow and steady practice of things and I have to get it back. I say have to because without it I lose clear thought and healthy reactions, the major things needed in all the roles I play in my life.

In this upgraded blogging adventure (name tweak and new website), I am committing to making writing my practice and inviting you to come along with me. As if it wasn’t before, life is just a LOT right now and I don’t think my family can afford for me to get lost in it anymore. Being a highly sensitive person (HSP), there’s no way to avoid the chaos and stress so I have to deal with it. For me, that means writing about it and more importantly prioritizing time to write about it - making writing my practice.

Any tips or suggestions for fitting a new priority into an already full brain?

If you're like me, you probably feel weary of always being the gatekeeper between your kids and the black hole of screen time and online gaming. One of the ways I try to make my job easier is to surround them with educational options rather than too many mindless ones. Today I'm going to share with you two online games, Typing Tournament Online and Maths Invaders Online from EdAlive that are entertaining AND teaching important skills at the same time. It's a win-win for sure in this household.

What We Received:
We were given a one-year subscription for two students and one parent/admin to Typing Tournament Online and Maths Invaders Online, which are both accessible on all devices.

How It Works:

Typing Tournament Online TTO is a series of exercises and games that introduce and increases typing skills. It is designed with a brand new student in mind where they can learn proper typing form and begin to build up words per minute. The program is divided into locations on a map with each stop containing lesson material, drills, 3 games - Siege, Powder Keg & Dragon Chase, Progress Report, and a Test. In order to progress to the next location the only material that is require is passing the test. With a total of 16 locations and a changeable Words Per Minute goal, there is plenty to do within this game.

Maths Invaders Online MIO is a game of testing and practicing math skills. There are three main areas, Galactic Campaign, Space Rescue and Practice. There is also a section to view your progress and the ability to print worksheets based on the problems you were given in a particular game. The Galactic Campaign is simply firing a correct answer at floating equations in an outer space skin. The level of questions can be changed as desired to change difficulty. Space Rescue is an online outer space themed version of Battleship where players must guess where a ship might be. After each turn, a player is required to 'recharge their battery' by answering math questions. Finally, there is a practice area that mimics the Galactic Campaign area, but the results are not maintained and you are able to choose the content you are practicing.

What We Thought:

Any reason to play an online game is a good reason in my children's minds so they were pumped to try these programs out.

Math Invaders was the favorite by both my 8 and 5 year old. It was easier to dive right into because they were more familiar with math than typing. There was some debate about how best to use the control keys and when to move the gun from side to side, but it all gave opportunity to talk strategy. They felt like they were playing a video game and I knew they were practicing mental math with increasing speed. Overall, we had no complaints and plan to use this as reward and in supplement to other math practice.

Typing Tournament wasn't always first choice, but I think it has been the greatest blessing. While both of my children have experience with our computers, they have not officially been taught to type. That meant they were true beginners and were substantially challenged by the program. I don't believe it to be too difficult in any way, but my impatient children desired more rapid success than they first experienced. My 8 year old son would head straight to the tests and then come to tears when he wouldn't pass them. Come to find out, there was little practicing done and mostly just attempts at typing very fast. My 5 year old daughter did alright once she understood what the pace had to be for success. In addition to learning to type, I think this program will support their need for a more disciplined approach to learning skills.

EdAlive on Social Media:

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Do you have middle school aged kids? Follow the link below to read what other families had to say about these games!