The Lie About Loneliness

You’re not the only one who feels lonely a lot.

For every person who could write volumes of praise about their best friend or circle of friends, there are half a dozen other people who would admit they feel lonely a lot and not satisfied with  the friends they may or may not have.  The disconnection of this past year might feel like a good explanation but I assure you, this was the case long before the world was forced to stop.  Society has been struggling with connection for a while now.

Maybe we need to start an application process for friendships!  Would that save us all a lot of time and heartbreak?  That way we could know someone truly desired a friendship, the application process might determine if they were really compatible.  Like, if I forget to text you back over 18 hours, will you lose interest in me or judge my sincerity? Will you always invite me to come along, even if you think I'll say no?  How many times have you silently, maybe subconsciously held expectations of a friend only to be disappointed?  You get invited to the bigger things that most people on the fringe are anyway, but the just because I want to spend time with you, those are rare.  What about the incompatible ones? You feel like you ought to be the best of friends, but they don't get how you spend your money or parent your kids.  High school friends are often friends out of convenience, but once that common meeting place goes away, maintaining friends is really hard for a lot of people.  Especially if you're in the market for more than a surface friend.  Can you tell them you're having trouble without feeling judged or alienated?  Honestly that is a really unique skill that most of us aren't very good at.

Let's be honest.  Some people aren't good at being friends.  Some people are too busy to be close friends.  Many people define what a good friend is VERY differently.  Some people are afraid of rejection.  Some people are consumed with their own life.  Some seasons of life literally push us down a crack and no one notices until it's too late.  Most of us aren't in the habit of expressing our needs or desires for a friendship.  I'm good at feeling left out or longing to be the it-person for someone I admire, but I would likely hyperventilate before expressing any of that to the person directly.   Maybe you're like that.  And so assumption after assumption gets made about how full other people's lives are and what kind of friends are bringing them joy.  We assume people don't need our friendship.  We assume other people aren't lonely.  The loneliness that people do feel doesn't see much light of day because it typically gets tagged as whining or pathetic. 

So, reality gets hidden and mental health issues continue to grow.

I recently had someone I've known for many years, but have never lived by start texting me regularly with the expressed intent to be better friends with me.  No expectations or judgements, just genuine interest and discussion.    If you know me at all, you know I'm way better at deep soul talk than small-talk so this has led to some bearing of the heart in really great ways.  This really positive thing has me wondering about the rest of the world.  Do people normally do this? Because this is the first time it’s every happened to me. Have you ever purposed in your heart to be a safe friend for someone? I think I have tried to help people from time to time, but I don’t think I’ve been quite so intentional and consistent. I fear I have no clue how most of the world maintains their relationships, but I wonder if this approach has possibilities for improvement.

We're all holding our collective breath and have been for about a year now.  Our fear and humanity has been paraded around like a side show almost. It's taken our disconnected living and put it on steroids.  We've yearned for normalcy and human interaction.  As the world recovers to a better place, what are we going to do about connection? I'm not sure what all the answers are, but I believe we have to do better somehow.  Even if we don’t see it right away, surely you know people are in pain that they don’t feel safe talking about. Maybe we just all need to be a little more honest about our feelings and needs.  If I want my children to grow up with a healthy mental and emotional life, I can't teach them that it's right to ignore pain (mine or yours) until it grows into a forest fire out of control.

One of my children recently had something on their mind, but was struggling with telling me or not.  Turns out they were afraid we would laugh. The beauty of it was how normal of a question it was. But in their child-like mind, they were afraid they were alone in this concern.  We all have concerns or fears that the devil tries to convince us are ours alone.   But it's not true.  Lots of people feel lonely.  Many people struggle with their place in the world.  We are not alone, but more likely just not communicating very well.

Let's work on that.