I thought that if my living room was decorated for fall, the harsh words wouldn’t sting so much. Maybe the feeling of failure would fade if the kids would just look the part. If I could just lose some of the weight, my brain promised that then I would feel valuable to the world around me. There is something instinctive about making sure others see what they want to see in you. We want to please the masses so they won’t judge us. We want to look the part so our friends will accept us. I’m not completely honest with those close to me for fear they won’t love that version of me. Long before we realize it, our life could be more made up than real.

Think of a time you were in an unfamiliar space. It is likely that at some point you said or did something to appear as though you were familiar when you weren’t. Like the wave at a ball game or holding your applause in between movements of a song at the symphony. If you had never been, you probably didn’t know what to expect, but part of you really didn’t want to appear like you didn’t know what you were doing. So you conform in some way. Social customs and polite conformity definitely impacts your relationships and influence. But somewhere in time we took on the idea that if something appears to fit or looks right, then it is or will be so. If I dress a certain way, then I must be that way. If I have all that society says I should, then I will be okay and good. No matter your principles or bars of success, we all have started to believe that if kids or parents don’t appear to fight (in public) then they must have good relationships. Haven’t we learned over the past 20 years that just because someone has nice things, a fancy car and a big house doesn’t necessarily mean they have enough money? And it certainly doesn’t mean they are happy. Yet, how many times have I hissed at my kids about something they were doing in public because I didn’t want people to think the situation was exactly what it was? My kids know how to behave in church but wouldn’t you know on the days they were up late, had loads of sugar or had a stressful day, they often struggle. I catch myself desperately trying to hide that they are kids whose bodies are struggling. How are we any different, trying to hide the disappointments and struggles for fear that others might see us exactly as we are?

There’s nothing wrong with trying to look and act your best for whatever situation you are in, but, like the Wizard behind the curtain, we’ve taken on hiding reality as some life or death scenario. Which ironically, when it starts going bad, can be a life or death scenario. When we hide so much of our feelings and realities, our life becomes more and more of a lie in those places. Self-control is not what we’re talking about here. When we shush or dismiss those with struggles and big feelings, we’re encouraging the facade. Some of the best relationship connections I’ve experienced have been from sharing and acknowledging the ugly truths.

Our school and activity schedule this semester has been sandwiched differently and we still aren’t fully adjusted to it. Tuesday-Thursday we are super busy with Monday and Friday open. That means by the time Friday comes, chores are probably backed up. Last night I spent quite a while really cleaning the kitchen because it had been neglected for several days. It was overwhelming and hard. Big cleaning jobs are really hard for my ADHD brain. If I had pretended it was fine, convinced myself no work was needed and even dressed it up with some kind of curtain or sheet so the mess wasn’t visible, nothing good would have come from that. It was still dirty and dirty things just get dirtier. What ever hardship or personal flaws we’re dealing with, they don’t get better or disappear because we pretend they aren’t there to impress the neighbors. Let’s do the work that needs to be done and pay much less attention to what it looks like to other people.

I’m learning to look for what things really are rather than what they might appear at first glance. In this age of forensic dramas and fake reality tv, we should know that people lie, manipulation is prevalent and nobody wants to be left out or judged. Wait to make judgements. Ask a person their experience before you assume. And quit spending more time on making sure others see an image (economic level, spiritual maturity, healthy relationships) than actually cultivating that image. I think its a bad habit we’ve all learned as a culture and now we need to grow out of it. Here’s to growth! ;)

A couple of months ago, we moved. It’s only 30 minutes away from where we were, but with 5 acres instead of 1, 5 bedrooms instead of 3 and more trees than grass, it is different living. And I am here for it! I was raised in the city and I’ve had many a friend moan about the ills of the outdoors, but I am convinced this country living is the only way for me to live. You could argue that we lived out in the country before, but it was in a neighborhood, right off the highway, and significantly fewer trees. After 8 1/2 years in the old house, we never felt the freedom to explore or be ourselves. An HOA and neighbors in a very different stage of life can do that to you. We never encountered scorpions, copperheads or poison ivy either, but we’re learning what we need to to be successful here.

The reasons we do certain things aren’t always clear, even to ourselves sometimes. The choices we make in life might be heavily influenced by people and ideas beyond our awareness. Just being an American vs any other nationality changes the way I approach life. My brain was always filtering certain things out before I even had a chance to consider them because it deemed them off limits. Sure, that can be a safe guard when all the illegal or dangerous solutions to a problem aren’t even considered. But what jobs to take, places to live, hobbies to pursue, relationships to maintain are all things that should be yours to choose. Along with expecting others to fill my needs, the last year or so has taught me how little I allowed myself to explore what I wanted or needed to be well. My brain filtered out a lot of things because of other people’s opinions, circumstances or needs that in most cases were not my business or responsibility. When I finally started thinking about what was healthy for me - and for my husband and kids - it was a very different life than I had been living. I have longed to live in the trees since before I was married. Nature has been something I’ve been drawn to for as long as I can remember. My kids are always more themselves after time spend outside. Many have asked why the moved, why now, why here? There have been many factors leading up to this decision, but to put it simply, we are trying to be well.

This. We need this.

We are certainly out of any baby stage and instead we’re at the beginning of our teenage era! That brings entirely different needs and issues to the table. They say teenagers need their parents even more in adolescence and I believe my teenage boy (and my other two kids) need to spend time outside working with their hands more than ever, as well. When I might mention that we needed this move, I mean it in all the ways. Did you know that listening to birds - their chirping symphony in the morning especially - is good for your physical health? I’m sure you’ve been told that the more trees around you, the cleaner your air tends to be. Spending time outside and specifically morning sun means higher vitamin D levels which results in better immune function. I know I’m different than most people, but I think about the health of my grandchildren! The choices my kids make over the next 10 years will directly impact my (Lord willing) grandchildren’s viability and wellness. There are so many factors in our world that we cannot control, that might result in pain, disease or heartbreak. But if there were things that we know could improve those odds, why wouldn’t we invest in that? I’m finally getting to know myself enough to know that I absolutely would. Once I realized that, this move was a no brainer.

Sitting on the back porch is everyone’s favorite spot, including the dog.

It’s quieter here in the people and cars department, but louder in the birds, frogs and bugs. Have you tried the Merlin bird app to see what’s visiting your trees? We love it! I’ve never lived in a place where fireflies show up every night now that it is summer! Have your kids ever tried (and probably failed) to grow a frog out of a tad pole? We’ve only been here a 6 weeks and we have tried and failed multiple times! :)
It’s safer for the soul, but requires more caution and guard with critters. We’ve also learned that the best way to kill a scorpion is to pierce it and that my daughter WILL scream louder than she’s ever screamed before when she finds it in her room. Our dog Scout is a wonderful watch dog, especially in the snake department. She was ready to take on the copperhead she came across and alerted us heartily, but Mr. Butler eliminated it for us. Did you know that copperheads don’t want to have anything to do with people and that if they bite you, you’re likely to get only a fraction of their venom? Still nothing to mess around with, but we quickly learned a whole lot to soothe everyone’s concerns. There’s nothing more boosting to the confidence and self-esteem than doing hard things because you have to. Despite nature’s bad guys getting in our business, there is much less stress found here. I’m convinced the trees are magic and just suck up all the stress. That’s what it feels like anyway.

That time when we saw the Northern Lights in Oklahoma!

Lots of trees or the outdoors may not be something you ever choose, by ability or desire. I’m rarely found on the side of majority anyway. Still, I’m pretty sure I’ll shout it from the rooftops until I can’t anymore that your body was made to go outside more than our modern life would suggest. Instead of an evening on the couch, head for the park for a walk. That vacation you’re about to spend loads of money on, add in a free local hike just for good measure. Got a kid struggling in all the things? Take them outside to explore and create!. Our mental health just might depend on it!

“I’m sorry for the way I treated you early in our marriage.”

He had finished up some work and I finally got to a stopping point with the kids’ school. As we laid down on the bed to decompress from it all, that was the first thing he said. We’ve been married for 17 years. I asked if he was referring to something specific, but he wasn’t. We both knew what didn’t go well early on. We have grown into completely different people since we began and there are so many things we could have done better.

“I’m sorry for all the ways I hindered us and got in the way of what we needed to be doing.” I said.

From the very beginning of our life together, he was offered a really cool job right out of college, but it was in San Antonio, TX. I had never lived anywhere but Oklahoma. There were a lot of reasons I gave him for not moving, but the only real one was my fear. I wish I wouldn’t have stood in his way like I did.

The apologies weren’t exactly necessary. Nothing can change the past and there are good things about where we are now. So why even mention it? Acknowledging the role you or I played in hard things is one of the most important things we can do in relationships. I know full well all the things he has had to struggle with and I also know how committed he is to me now. But the unprompted words he said validated the young bride who thought it was going to be different than it was. He didn’t really owe me that apology, but I left that moment feeling seen, understood and safe.

We don’t know what life would have looked like if we had moved to San Antonio when we first married. Apologizing for not moving isn’t really that significant, because of all we don’t know. He also chose not to move. Maybe the apology isn’t exactly necessary now, but acknowledging how I didn’t give space for his needs matters a whole lot. That impacts today. The destination of 17 years ago is irrelevant now, but the skills to listen and help him be heard directly impacts the quality of our days now.

It took me longer than I’d like to admit to realize and acknowledge that I’m bad at apologies. My brain likes to jump to excusing or explaining with an intent to move on as fast as possible. Over time what that really means is that I apologize as little as possible. Even when I take blame, responsibility and a whole lot of shame internally for what I perceive as wrong, speaking the words of apology and taking responsibility for my role out loud just didn’t happen very much. It is easy to dismiss the need to apologize because “they should already know.” And maybe they do. Saying it or at least acknowledging something about it is where healing wounds begins.

We often talk about what we would do different, if we could. There’s a lot of regret there. There’s also so much beauty in seeing the human ability to change over time. I don’t love the mistakes we made, but I’m starting to really love how much more beautiful today is in light of those mistakes.

Journaling has been my absolute favorite since I was old enough to keep a diary. I’ve filled many journals in my 44 years and left even more unfinished. The ADHD trait of unfinished projects is definitely one I am familiar with. Still, the need to process and track life’s events is something that brings joy and emotional clarity, even when I don’t complete them. In December of 2022, I ran across a picture on Instagram of someone’s embroidery journal and instantly fell in love! Now that I’m more conscious of my tendency to not finish projects, I immediately got anxious at the the thought of doing one myself because I would hate to not finish it. Not finishing brings with it a lot of shame and nobody needs to carry more of that around. So, I ruminated on the idea for a few weeks, still unsure if I would commit to something like this.

During this time, I was also growing more and more aware of my stress levels being too high and needing some better ways to cope. From an ADHD perspective, any kind of hobby that involves the hands is really great for using up extra mental and emotional energy. I’m not a seamstress by any means, but I’ve embroidered a few quilt blocks so I had a some leftover supplies. As 2023 was about to begin, the novelty of the idea sucked me into diving headlong into the project. I went to Walmart for some material, new colors of thread, and a larger hoop. I downloaded a blank template from Embroiderers’ Guild of America and copied it onto my material.

The purpose of any journal is to document events to varying degrees. For this embroidery journal, it still helped to write down things that happened or people’s birthdays I wanted to include. In my head, I imagined I would sit down regularly and draw or embroider in entries, but that happened only for a week or so. Real life included recording interesting things in the back of a notebook under the title of each month. I also imagined that I would do a lot of this work at home in the evenings. It actually was mostly done during church services or large social events. Having something to do with my hands helped my focus and listening attention increase drastically while also soothing excess emotional energy. A typical ADHD struggle is emotional regulation where emotions don’t come in small steady flows, but huge blasts of tsunami proportions. For me - and my daughter - keeping the hands busy helps to manually support that regulation. My daughter has learned to crochet over the last year and she has learned to bring it with her anytime she expects to be sitting for a while.

The experiment in all of this was whether or not I would actually finish it. Since I was really afraid I wouldn’t AND I wanted to prevent being discouraged that it wasn’t perfect, I told myself there were no rules. I could put whatever images I wanted that meant whatever I wanted them to mean. Some of them are obvious like fireworks in July or a pumpkin in October, but many of them you won’t know their meaning unless I explain it to you. I think those are my favorite. A friend was looking at the finished product and asked me what something meant and I had to think about it for a second. So, maybe writing up a key would be a good idea! The other aspect of not worrying about it being perfect came in the timing of it all. Truth be told, I finished half of September and all of October, November and December over the course of 5 days in December. Which, to the ADHD community, makes perfect sense! That deadline is often the last minute push we need to cover all the ground we could have gradually covered over the past several months if procrastination hadn’t reigned supreme yet again. Still, no rules except for the 2023 label meant that it didn’t really matter how and when as long it pertained to 2023.

Now that it’s a week into January, I can officially call the experiment a success! I completed all 12 months and I have already cut out and penciled in the months for a new one. What I will do with the completed journal is still up in the air. It could be turned into a pillow, put in a quilt or just tucked away in hiding, I guess. I’m leaning towards finding a great frame and putting it up on the wall somewhere. If I continue this, I might store the past years in a large scrapbook or journal, which feels redundant and ironic, but feels right just the same. Whatever the case, we’ll just wait and see. What would you do with it? I’d love to hear some alternative ideas!

As much as I might enjoy my kids on a really good day, I will still be thankful when bedtime comes. No matter how valuable and good something might be, breaks are still necessary. This year has given me a lot of things, but, boy, am I happy to put 2023 to bed.

Even though bedtime is about sleep, there are still a few things you have to do to get ready for it.

What Went Wrong

I have to admit some of the things I did wrong this year before I can march into the next with any hope of success. This year I really resisted change, even when I knew it was necessary and right. Just because something hurts doesn’t mean it should be avoided. It could actually be communicating what needs your attention the most. I also made a lot of assumptions this year. Turns out assumptions are wrong. A LOT. Especially mine. I spent more time assuming what other people were thinking or going to do than I did making sure my stuff was in order. When I was focusing on other people’s business, not only was I neglecting my own, but I also put a lot of stress on the people in my household. I think I regret that the most.

What I Learned

Reflecting on what you have learned is invaluable for moving on. Before 2023 there were some things I genuinely didn’t know or understand. One of the biggest ones is that no one is going to do the work for you or come in and save you from yourself. This year I discovered that I was carrying around a very immature thought that I had very little control over how or when my emotional needs were ever going to be met. It is like going to the store for ingredients for dinner. Upon arrival, if you find out they don’t have what you need, it would be foolish to just wait there expecting more to show up. No, you go to another store who does have it. 2023 has taught me how to let go of circumstances that do not feed my soul and seek out those that do. I’ve learned what codependency is, how it has shaped a lifetime of choices, how to start recovering and ultimately look for the person God intended me to be. My parenting skills have been challenged by all of this too, which ultimately has brought me more awareness and hopefully a greater capacity to teach my kids things I am only just now learning. That is a huge blessing.

What I’m Proud Of

For years, I have been a very emotional and reactionary person. I would try and intend not to, but I always seemed to be taken by surprise when the surge of feelings showed up. This year, I was still far more than I was explosive. There were still reactions and such, it just trended down over the year. I can’t begin to explain how proud I am of that. It might be a chicken and egg situation, but this year a few of my chronic ADHD symptoms have begun to improve. Especially the last couple of months, my executive functioning capacity has increased. That means that my ability to make decisions and determine priorities has been easier or lasted longer than before. This is probably one of those invisible hardships that people without ADHD don’t see or fully understand. It might seem silly to say out loud, but increasing my endurance where executive functioning is concerned is probably one of my biggest accomplishments of my year.

There was a lot of 2023 that I just didn’t like. It was lonely, unexpected and painful a lot of days. But you know what? Today, the last day of the year, I can say with the most sincere heart that I am so grateful for 2023. It has answered so many prayers in this single year. The peace and calm that it has brought is worth all the pain. So, my heart is full as we put 2023 to bed. I have no idea what kind of year we’ll wake up to tomorrow, but I’m more prepared for it than ever before.

"Dad, she's not listening. She's mad about something."

Before my husband had even looked up at me, he had started talking extensively about something, completely unaware of where my head was at. My 13 year old son hadn’t missed a beat on what was going on with me though. The fact that he picked up on it so quickly, without me saying a word reminded me how powerful unspoken things can be. When we live with each other day in and day out, our body notices things that our consciousness may never realize. One of the things I’ve learned this year is how much my sensitivity - to people’s moods, situations, all the details a brain can carry - was the result of my body trying to ensure emotional security and eliminate any danger or threat. The confusion that ensues is when you need other people’s emotions to be managed in order for you to feel okay. It can feel like other people’s emotion or state of mind is controlling you. That’s unhealthy, like adrenaline over time.

At bedtime, he asked me if I could rub his feet and I said I would.  He hadn't been feeling well and it usually seemed to help.  After I told his brother goodnight and started to sit at his feet, I sighed.  I was tired and in the most stereotypical motherly way, my heart just wanted everyone to be well and okay.  He immediately said, " If it's too much,  you don't have to work on me."  I laughed.  I can't even sigh out of love without being eagle-eyed. But that is what he’s learned.

"I told you I would work on you.  If it was too much, trust me to tell you that it is." I smiled and tried to assure him, but I understood his fear.  I'm still learning how to be honest with those around me about when I'm okay to help and when I'm not.  I tried to concisely remind him that it was my job as an adult to communicate my needs and limitations and it was his job to believe that I meant it. 

"Do you think you could put that cream on too or is that too much?"  He was honestly trying to differentiate where his needs could be and where my needs were supposed to be.  Something I was ashamed that he had to question, but knew it had taken me 40 years to understand that myself.

"Of course! There's nothing wrong with that.  I need the reminder sometimes.  Especially if it makes you feel better."

The last thing I want is for my children - or anyone else for that matter - to feel so controlled or handcuffed by my emotion or state of mind that they don't feel like they can communicate their needs at any point.  And now that I've unknowingly created these dynamics, I feel panicked to fix them.  That's part of the reason I write about it.  It's painful to see traits I've lived with, thinking they were entirely something else, now acted out in front of me in my family.  We never want to feel the blame of something like that, but to deny our part is beyond foolish.  So, I write and process and look for paths through it all.

As long as we are alive, we still have hope, just as a live dog is better off than a dead lion.

Ecclesiastes 9:4

It can be a heavy weight, knowing that you’ve taught someone something that isn’t good or right. It’s even heavier to want to change it and just not know how most days. Old habits die hard, as they say. The good news, I’m told, is that simply by acknowledging the issue, you are changing the direction of the problem towards healthier things. We can’t go back to the past and undo the mistakes. I’m hoping I can teach my kids skills that I didn’t have that can help them navigate what is and what will be in their lives.

There is a beautiful balance where others know you well enough to sense some of your feelings, but also you feel safe enough to share the depth of your experience with them. In a healthy, perfect community everyone could experience space set aside for themselves when it is needed. Maybe you are blessed with that in your life. I hope so. Right now, that is what I desperately want for my little family, but we aren’t there yet. Maybe that is what 2024 is for.

Change and new things really aren’t my favorite, but as this year has proven, I do better when I lean into them rather than resist. So when Mr. Butler excitedly started looking into Trail Life and American Heritage Girls as a possibility for us to explore last summer, I didn’t bat an eye. By September, he was ready to sign everyone up and give it a go for the year. If you’re not familiar with these two organizations, they are much like boys and girl scouts with a Christian focus, complete with campouts, earning badges and community service. Even though our schedule was already pretty full with co-op, choir, and sports, we had Tuesday nights mostly open (Zoey had to cut a soccer practice a little short) and both groups met on the same night at the same place. 5 or 6 years ago I would have never believed that my little family could handle all these things or better yet, thrive in them, but as it turns out, there really are different seasons for different paces.

As of this writing, we’ve been involved in these groups for one semester only, which gives us only so much experience. Still, here is an overview of what we experienced. Beginning in September there were weekly meetings where uniforms are typically expected. The whole troop would come together during the evening (AHG at the beginning and TL at the end) and also break into their respective age groups. My 13 year old son is a Navigator, my 6 year old son is Fox and my 10 year old daughter is an Explorer. During their group time they learn and participate in activities that go towards badges they can learn. Throughout the semester, there were service and fundraising opportunities that we participated in, including a flag retirement ceremony during a campout. Many of these events earned badges as well.

Each kid has had a unique experience that has been just what they needed. Rory gets the chance to explore all kinds of outdoor things with regular reminders that God made it all possible. Not that he needed it much, but it’s certainly boosted his confidence and independence. Zoey should be receiving an Aviation badge, a Soccer Pin, a Physical Fitness badge and a couple of event badges for this semester’s work. She’s making friends, but also being motivated to dive deeper into certain things in light of our identity in Christ. Jude has probably benefited the most, simply because of his age. His age group camps a lot and is working on a badge that requires a lot out of him. It’s been really positive for people - especially men - to have expectations for him beyond just his dad and me.

The double-edged sword of homeschooling is that you as the parent/teacher are in charge of everything. You get to decide how the learning happens, which is kind of the whole point, but it can be overwhelming and exhausting when you feel alone in it all. Doing other things - like joining a co-op, sports, and now this - really does diversify the people in your child’s life AND helps lighten the burden of responsibility to all the things. After 8 years or so of homeschooling, I’m still learning a lot of lessons. I’ve seen in real time WHY we choose this path. We get to walk down all the new paths together. I also have grown more familiar with all of my limitations. I just can’t do it all and I never should have thought that I could. Expanding the opportunities my kids have to learn from a variety of people in a variety of circumstances has been a huge blessing to me and my kids. From an ADHD perspective, which seems to be a factor for all of my kids, the structure of badge requirements and built-in opportunities to fill said-requirements helps set us up to succeed on several levels. Because it doesn’t always come naturally to me or brains like mine, I am learning to value organization and structure more than ever. As the semester is coming to an end, I can honestly say our Trail Life and American Heritage Girls experience was a success and we plan to continue!

"It's not your job!" I said for what felt like the tenth time that day.

"But it feels like it is!" he said with the threat of tears in his already lowering 12 year old voice. 

We had been arguing more and more about when it was his job to tell his siblings what to do and when he took it too far.  In that moment, my breath left me and I knew what he meant.  I had lived with that feeling my whole life.  So many times it felt like it must be my job to instruct, correct, guide, lead, and ultimately take responsibility for everyone else.  Not necessarily because I wanted the job, but because it felt like it was my job - it felt like no one else would.  Or sometimes it felt like I was expected to because I was able to.  Whatever the reason, I never got the message that much of what other people did was not my responsibility and often none of my business.  I never should have carried the weight of the world, especially not for that long.  As I heard my son sum up my whole life with that one reactive response, I knew there were some things that had to change in my parenting.

All my life I picked up all the rocks that others were dropping in an attempt to help.  It seemed like the right thing to do.  Those rocks were left in my path and I kept tripping over them anyway.  What I didn't realize was how much responsibility I was taking away from the people who dropped the rocks.  As I was developing, it never occurred to me that I was teaching the world to give me their rocks and silently hoping they would come back for them, but unaware I could put them down.  Fast forward to parenthood and I had instinctively begun to teach my son that picking up other people’s rocks - like his siblings or his parents - was his job too. That’s a lesson I never would have given him intentionally, but so much of life is lived out absent of true understanding. Since that day, we’ve been slowly walking back from blame, responsibility and assumptions that weren’t said but heavily communicated by my own emotional turmoil and habits.

This year has been a long lesson in regulating my own emotions instead of expecting the world around me to do it for me. My body has been screaming at me for a while that the continual stress I experienced was not good for me. I could change my circumstances, but the turmoil I felt inside didn’t seem to change that much. The problem wasn’t the stress, it was me. Seeing the immense (and unfair) pressure I was unknowingly putting on my son to pick up the slack when I couldn’t cope like an adult convicted me all the more.

So, I’ve been spending more time reassuring my kids when my emotion is and, more importantly, is not about them or their responsibility to fix. I hate that it has taken me so long to realize what was happening. We talk about individual roles and responsibilities in ways I’m still wrapping my head around. It feels embarrassing to be struggling with something I’m trying to model for my teenager. And yet, that seems to be what parenthood is like a lot. Ready or not, here we go kind of days.

This week my best friend had a birthday. We celebrated a little here and there, but this week has been a dive into busy routine with little time for huge fanfare. Since we aren’t able to fly to a faraway place or take a week off from real life to tour hole in the wall restaurants, I’m writing down some of what he’s done for me.

He picked me. He picked me in the beginning, but then he’s continued to over and over again. Lots of times when I didn’t really deserve it. He makes me laugh so much. As an engineering guy, his logic didn’t always know what to do with my colorful approach to life, but when I broke it, he tried his best to fix it. When I lost it, he would probably replace it. When I bite off more than I can chew, he helps me carry it. When I hurt his feelings, he (eventually) forgives me. When I’m stressed, he takes me on walks to talk about it. He gives me breaks, cooks almost half the time and takes willingly takes the kids on errands. He loves those kids and takes being their dad very seriously. He always looks at scripture in ways I would never have considered. When I’m driving and getting anxious - in the rain or a game of Mario Kart - he reminds me to look further down the road to see where the white lines are heading rather than getting hung up on what’s directly in front of me. When I dream, he tells me why it will never work, and then suggests something more achievable that’s usually better anyway.

He works really, really hard and most of the time isn’t quite sure he’s getting it right. His job is pretty demanding right now. He’s coaching a soccer and a volleyball team this season. He’s teaching a PE class at our co-op this semester. He plays games and makes art with our kids. He sits and talks stuff out when a kid (or two) isn’t getting it. And sometimes, he worries if any of it matters.

“What’s a soul mate?”

“It's uh... Well, it's like a best friend but more. It's the one person in the world that knows you better than anyone else. It's someone who makes you a better person. Actually, they don't make you a better person, you do that yourself - because they inspire you. A soulmate is someone who you carry with you forever. It's the one person who knew you and accepted you and believed in you before anyone else did, or when no one else would. And no matter what happens, you will always love them. Nothing can ever change that.”
― Dawson Leery

While the whole soul mate idea may be debatable at best, the description in that quote hit me different. In our early years, I had a regular fear of him dying before we ever had kids. My young mind was afraid I would forget my life with him, but if we had kids that somehow I would have something to remember him with. It’s a silly, overactive mind that concocted that, but I understand now how he will be with me forever, no matter the future. We’ve been together long enough and been through enough hard stuff that if I ever have to live without him, his imprint on me is permanent. Our friendship, his encouragement, the commitment he makes daily to the life we’re trying to build is a gift from God that I haven’t really understood before this year.

So, Happy Birthday, Mr. Butler. It all matters more than you know.

We’re a few weeks into new habits and new curriculum and hanging out in the gap right before co-op, sports and various activities start up again. This year J is in the 7th grade with an actively lowering voice, feet almost as big as his dad’s and trying to master time management and independent work. Miss Z is in the 5th grade with fresh piano skills coming along, a great eye for drawing and those beautiful curls still bouncing! The Racecar is in the 1st grade with an industrial size creative streak that sort of tolerates my interruptions of schoolwork, a growing desire to entertain us and a new best friend in our dog, Scout. As parents, we often lump the three of them into ‘the kids’ category, but it is good for me to remember that they are 3 unique humans with different strengths, struggles and lives to lead.

They are all doing well overall, but I think this will be the year that we lean into ADHD processes and solutions as a family. With Miss Z and I taking up the limelight in this category, the boys have gone overlooked when it comes to the speed of their brains. The brain differences of ADHD present themselves differently in boys and girls so if you’re only looking for one specific type of child, it’s easy to miss the rest. Looking at my kids through an ADHD lens doesn’t ultimately justify bad behavior or do away with standards. Instead it helps parent and child understand the child’s brain in order to equip it with better tools to address the real problem. Did you know that lying is a common ADHD symptom that results in the brain trying to cope with stress and avoid more trouble? Did you know that impulsivity and forgetfulness can create really sticky situations for kids that find it easier to lie to avoid making the issue worse? It doesn’t justify lying, but if I understand what might be going on, we can work together to solve the real problem. Otherwise, it often turns into a stand-off of punishments and parental frustrations that want to escalate. So, focusing on the uniqueness of all of their brains is the goal for now.

Since J started Kindergarten we have used My Father’s World for the bulk of our history, Bible and science curriculum and the Racecar just finished Kindergarten. Even in the curriculum I feel like we’re in a new place. This year we are studying Exploration to 1850 (American History) and attempting to memorize the entire book of James. I’m excited about the American History, but the memorization is a bit daunting - parents are encouraged to do it too of course. So, we’ll see how it goes! J is trying out volleyball at the Y for a change and the other two are continuing in soccer. With co-op and choir, we keep busy. We also are attempting to try out Trail Life and Heritage Girls. We’ve heard good things so as long as it doesn’t put a strain on our schedule, we’re optimistic. The legitimate debate about how much extra-curricular is too much is a fine line. I never realized how tricky it becomes when you have a full spread of ages. How much different is my youngest’s life than my oldest when he was that age because of how much we did or didn’t do outside of the house? For better or worse? I don’t have a lot of answers, but checking in with each person in the family to see how they’re doing regularly seems like a great place to start. Are they struggling with important things? Do they have time for important things, relationships? If there is too much stress, it’s worth considering what can be left off this year. But it isn’t an exact science and every kid is different. :)

I would like to say being your child’s teacher is easy and wonderful, but that’s not a reasonable thing to say ever. Being the decision maker for a lot of things is a lot of work and pressure. That’s the reason many parents never consider homeschooling. Either they don’t feel capable or don’t want to the responsibility because it is a big job. That being said, I love being able to see the progression of all of my children from non-readers singing their ABC’s to readers who comprehend and laugh at a joke in something they just read. I’m thankful to discuss whether or not Christopher Columbus discovered America, whether there should be a holiday in his honor and what that means for us today. I get to do stuff like that all the time. I’m incredibly thankful for the freedom in Oklahoma, but also the hard work of Mr. Butler who makes sure I can stay home at all. This year I am focusing more on organization in preparation for J moving to high school in a few years and being more thankful because the wonder of learning is definitely growing older in our house. I want to enjoy it more before it develops into other kinds of wonderful things. I mean my oldest man-child was moved to the high school choir and can’t participate in the youth honor choir activities because his voice is officially changing!?! Ready or not, here we go!

While my kids are attempting to learn their slated things each year, mom ends up with her own education too, like it or not. As we head into September, I’m trying to learn how to take the time and space that I need to better manage my stress and mental health. And I’ll be honest, that is a hard thing. We don’t usually realize how bad we need some kind of break or space until it is too late. Most moms will tell you that when we feel handcuffed between needing to take care of ourselves (shower, exercise, write, plan, etc.) but feeling like the price of sacrifice is too high. It FEELS like someone else’s needs will have to be neglected in some way and then mom ultimately has to pay the price eventually anyway. My education this year is to learn how to do it all differently. If I want my children to ask for what they need to live a healthy, balanced life, then I must learn to demonstrate that for them.

So, there we are in a nutshell! The decision to homeschool is multi-faceted, but today I’m really thankful for the time I have with my kids.