The Path of a Racecar: Part 1 — Mrs. WRITE Balance

I knew I wasn’t done. At least I didn’t want to be done. I had two beautiful children, but the physical and emotional stress of pregnancy, breastfeeding, a growing toddler, and teaching piano lessons part-time, all while Mr. Butler was going through graduate school had been more than my body could take. Weaning my daughter was a necessity, not a choice, because the side effects of all that strain and stress were crippling. Anxiety, depression, adrenal exhaustion, and just overall physical and mental breakdown was taking over my world in the fall of 2014. I had no choice but to attempt to heal myself. That meant weaning my daughter before we were ready. I was stressed. She was stressed, which of course stressed me further. And none of it was the beautiful journey I had planned for. Things with my oldest weren’t perfect of course, but they weren’t interrupted. This felt hijacked and a weird kind of betrayal. Like my body betrayed me. I had just been doing what I thought I was supposed to for everyone. Looking back now 7 years later, I see the compromises I didn’t HAVE to make, but thought I did. Miss Z was still waking up at night to eat and I never had the heart to tell her no. She was efficient and fast so what harm did it do? The extended amount of time I went without a full night’s sleep actually did me a lot of harm. Like it or not, my adrenals - well my whole body - is super sensitive and just can’t muscle through the way I thought most people do.

Photos are so deceiving. I am drowning in stress and toxicity here, feeling incredibly unable to manage my world.

On a blessing of a trip to Ft. Walton Beach, FL, getting to see a lighthouse in person, all the while praying that I don’t have another panic attack or get overwhelmed by anxiety.

They are just precious, but I’m crumbling under the weight of motherhood, not sure how we’re going to make it through.

So throughout the entire healing process after that, I knew I wanted another baby. I had always imagined having 3 or 4 and I just wanted to make up for all the trauma I had created. But I was also afraid that my poor health and even mental struggles would have a negative effect on the next child. I wanted to try, but I also didn’t want to regret making a selfish, yet foolish decision. For months, I worked on diet changes, supplement support, essential oil therapy, everything I could think of to heal myself and get in a better physical state to support another pregnancy. Every time I tried to imagine our life just the 4 of us, my heart rejected it entirely. My heart wasn’t done, but still I was afraid. My sweet daughter could be fierce and fiery and I hadn’t learned the art of truly being the parent and remembering she was the child. ADHD wasn’t even a thought in my mind, her emotions pushed my emotions around, which were already weak from all the turmoil we had been through, and of all things to get stuck on, she resisted sleep. The one thing I needed to exist was the thing she pushed back on.

In December 2015, we bought and moved into a new house. This was, in many ways, a big wish we had been working towards for a long time. Out of the city, close to church, and more space all the way around. It was exciting and positive. It helped solidify my healing that was still ongoing to visually have a new space to look at. In January 2016, I turned 36 and was dreadfully aware of my age and how it could effect another pregnancy. I was stuck between needing to wait for my body to heal and needing to hurry up because every month I was getting older. That conflict caused so much stress in me. After we moved in to the new house, Mr. Butler spent the next couple of months getting our old house ready to sell, while I held down the fort most of the time, with all of these feelings swirling around most of the time. I prayed and wrestled for 6 months. I begged God to prevent me from getting pregnant if anything about my current state would cause problems for this new child. I also begged God to allow a healthy pregnancy of a child so good natured and strong. My heart was so convicted, but my body had betrayed me before. For 6 months we tried, but no success, which wasn’t normal for me. After another month of no success, I told Mr. Butler that perhaps this was the answer and I needed to just accept it as a gift. He was more than fine with that idea and started making plans for this family of 4 we were determined to embrace.

Of course, the moment you start to find peace with what seems inevitable, the inevitable ceases to exist. A short time later, I found out I was pregnant…

The next chapter of this journey can be found here: Part 2