I thought that if my living room was decorated for fall, the harsh words wouldn’t sting so much. Maybe the feeling of failure would fade if the kids would just look the part. If I could just lose some of the weight, my brain promised that then I would feel valuable to the world around me. There is something instinctive about making sure others see what they want to see in you. We want to please the masses so they won’t judge us. We want to look the part so our friends will accept us. I’m not completely honest with those close to me for fear they won’t love that version of me. Long before we realize it, our life could be more made up than real.

Think of a time you were in an unfamiliar space. It is likely that at some point you said or did something to appear as though you were familiar when you weren’t. Like the wave at a ball game or holding your applause in between movements of a song at the symphony. If you had never been, you probably didn’t know what to expect, but part of you really didn’t want to appear like you didn’t know what you were doing. So you conform in some way. Social customs and polite conformity definitely impacts your relationships and influence. But somewhere in time we took on the idea that if something appears to fit or looks right, then it is or will be so. If I dress a certain way, then I must be that way. If I have all that society says I should, then I will be okay and good. No matter your principles or bars of success, we all have started to believe that if kids or parents don’t appear to fight (in public) then they must have good relationships. Haven’t we learned over the past 20 years that just because someone has nice things, a fancy car and a big house doesn’t necessarily mean they have enough money? And it certainly doesn’t mean they are happy. Yet, how many times have I hissed at my kids about something they were doing in public because I didn’t want people to think the situation was exactly what it was? My kids know how to behave in church but wouldn’t you know on the days they were up late, had loads of sugar or had a stressful day, they often struggle. I catch myself desperately trying to hide that they are kids whose bodies are struggling. How are we any different, trying to hide the disappointments and struggles for fear that others might see us exactly as we are?

There’s nothing wrong with trying to look and act your best for whatever situation you are in, but, like the Wizard behind the curtain, we’ve taken on hiding reality as some life or death scenario. Which ironically, when it starts going bad, can be a life or death scenario. When we hide so much of our feelings and realities, our life becomes more and more of a lie in those places. Self-control is not what we’re talking about here. When we shush or dismiss those with struggles and big feelings, we’re encouraging the facade. Some of the best relationship connections I’ve experienced have been from sharing and acknowledging the ugly truths.

Our school and activity schedule this semester has been sandwiched differently and we still aren’t fully adjusted to it. Tuesday-Thursday we are super busy with Monday and Friday open. That means by the time Friday comes, chores are probably backed up. Last night I spent quite a while really cleaning the kitchen because it had been neglected for several days. It was overwhelming and hard. Big cleaning jobs are really hard for my ADHD brain. If I had pretended it was fine, convinced myself no work was needed and even dressed it up with some kind of curtain or sheet so the mess wasn’t visible, nothing good would have come from that. It was still dirty and dirty things just get dirtier. What ever hardship or personal flaws we’re dealing with, they don’t get better or disappear because we pretend they aren’t there to impress the neighbors. Let’s do the work that needs to be done and pay much less attention to what it looks like to other people.

I’m learning to look for what things really are rather than what they might appear at first glance. In this age of forensic dramas and fake reality tv, we should know that people lie, manipulation is prevalent and nobody wants to be left out or judged. Wait to make judgements. Ask a person their experience before you assume. And quit spending more time on making sure others see an image (economic level, spiritual maturity, healthy relationships) than actually cultivating that image. I think its a bad habit we’ve all learned as a culture and now we need to grow out of it. Here’s to growth! ;)