Whether you’ve been married 40 years or divorced 3 times or never dated once, it is really easy and common to bash on marriage these days. Some will argue that its an outdated and sexist institution. Others will complain that most men/women are worthless. Or for a lot of us, it’s just more work than we’re willing to give. I know there are stories upon stories we could all tell that might validate any one of these scenarios in our mind. Today, I just want to talk about how good marriage is. You might think, “Oh, here we go.” because I spend the next few paragraphs telling you how great Mr. Butler is and how everyone should be like him. Nah, not today. Marriage is good - not because I landed a perfect one - but because when you give it a chance, it makes you both better.

At 22 or 23, I was internally frantic that I wasn’t married yet. It sure would have helped to know that an ADHD brain can often speed through if/then scenarios and come to the farthest possible conclusion in a matter of seconds. It didn’t mean I was always likely to be right, it just meant my brain had too much time on it’s hands. Not being married, not being engaged, and not having a boyfriend would all combine with my multi-faceted anxiety about myself as anything positive and I naturally concluded that I was never going to be married and thus live a miserable existence. Another symptom of ADHD is exaggerated emotions, but I didn’t understand that then either. In the moments that I remember the many promises of God and I still thought it possible to find a spouse, I always imagined that he would be some diamond in the rough out of nowhere that only I discovered. What’s funny about that is that God answered that request in its entirety. Mr. Butler was so unlike anyone I had ever known, I really didn’t want to date him when the idea was first presented to me. Even now, 15 years later, I am always telling him there isn’t anyone quite like him. That can be a wonderful and sweet thing, but it’s also infuriating and exhausting.

Within the first year of our marriage, it became clear that my young husband had zero bedside manner, especially when you’re sick. Or was it just when I was sick? After a dinner at Chili’s one night, I got a severe case of food poisoning. I went to sleep sick at my stomach and woke around 2 or 3 telling him I thought I was going to throw up to which he laughed at me and said “No, you’re not. Quit being a baby.” I was vindicated when I threw up everything I had a few minutes later, but his measly apology didn’t really make me feel better about the heartlessness he had shown earlier! Fast forward 5-6 years and he laughs almost hysterically as I’m about to start pushing during labor with my daughter. Yep, there’s no one like him.

In one day early in our marriage, I dropped my laptop from a window sill (because we didn’t have internet yet, but our neighbors did) and couldn’t get it working again. Mr. Butler said the words, “Go take the dog for a walk. You can’t break anything out there.” Breaking his things makes him really cranky. So, I subsequently dropped and stepped on my phone, resulting in two pieces while on that walk. I also lost my beautiful, unique and not free engagement ring. Twice. The first time was on a campout and our entire party ended up looking and finding it. Whew! The second time, I have no idea how it made it off my finger or where it is to this day. The fact that he can still smile at me today or subsequently gave me 3 children AFTER I lost it, is a miracle all its own.

Neither one of us are a walk in the park, that’s for sure. But together, we are better. He’s not perfect still. And, I know you’re shocked, but neither am I. STILL! Maybe that’s where we’ve gotten the wrong idea. When we say “They’re perfect for each other!” many of us expect it to be a final state of completion upon marriage. In reality, marriage is a tool that can shape us, mature us and sanctify us when we allow it to. Though, if we head into it (like so many of us do) thinking this person will naturally agree with everything that makes sense to me, though we carry different DNA and grew up in different homes, it’s not a surprise that we hit irreconcilable differences in no time or grow in resentment and dysfunction. Marriage is so good, but maybe it’s hard to tell because we get in its way. Sometimes we get mad at the constant tug of war not realizing that the back and forth is shaping us into a more balanced version of ourselves.

While Mr. Butler and I share similar values in parenting, religion and approach to life (we’re both first born), we are polar opposites in many, many ways. When we got married, he was rigidly structured, financially focused, and logical for days, regardless of anyone’s feelings. If you knew me at all in college, you know that all things emotional, relational, and creative were where I wanted to live. He got up early, I wanted to sleep in. He wanted to save, I was ready to spend. He saw a deadline, I saw a relationship needing attention. We started out so different. Did I change him? Did he change me? Absolutely not. Marriage did though. This beautiful commitment that God holds together has given us something to hold on to when that other person is absolutely not worth it. We are flawed and broken and maddening. But God knew we would be and gave us marriage to help us grow.

Marriage isn’t for everyone. Marriage is hard. A lot of times, marriage is simply ridiculous. But don’t ever convince yourself that marriage isn’t good. Because it is. So so good.