Before understanding ADHD in my life, I had enormous expectations for myself, crafted from every minute of television I've ever seen, every picture perfect person I've encountered and the above average culture that is celebrated on social media.  Those unreasonable, really high and often subconscious expectations were continually eating away at my self-confidence.  From a very young age, I felt different, self-conscious and desperate to be accepted.  Over the years I have attributed that to all sorts of things in pitiful attempts to stabilize it. Female. Anxious. Introverted. Highly Sensitive. Each lens explained some of it, but never really changed the core of me.  Since discovering what ADHD often looks like in women (it’s quite a bit different than men), this past year has been full of discovering new layers of my life affected by this brain of mine that I’ve completely misunderstood my entire life. The way I have trouble making decisions, especially under pressure. The way I lose things really easily. The way I despise structure, but fall apart without it. The way I shoot for the moon, dreaming of perfection and collapse in despair when it doesn’t work quite right. The way groups overwhelm me. The way I have trouble finishing things. The way I say things without thinking and regret it immediately. It’s true that I’m no different than I was, because I’ve always been this way. But looking through this large lens has given me the gift of understanding.

 My brain is a race car engine with bicycle brakes, able to speed through lightning fast, but just as likely to spin out as make it one lap.  As I have learned about how my brain actually works - not just what the world would have me assume about my brain - I'm uncovering a really beautiful side effect.  I'm recognizing overstimulation (imagine an engine overheating) in my daily life and adjusting my known limits in what I can tolerate and do (to avoid spinout).  As I'm adjusting limits, I'm finding myself more able to complete tasks (before getting sidelined by a world of other things).  Understanding that it's never been about me not being able, it was always the how, the when and the how much that needed to be recalibrated - that understanding is giving me confidence.  Not exaggerated, prideful confidence.  Not fake, let's put on a show to make myself feel better confidence.  Just a more peaceful assurance in who I am and how God designed me. 

It’s a beautiful thing, but every day I will wake up and still have this brain. I’ll still be prone to forget to message you back or have trouble deciding what’s the most important thing to do next. I’m loving the peace that comes from understanding why, but at the same time I’m not somehow off the hook for fulfilling the responsibilities of my life. I’ve heard people dismiss labels like ADHD before out of fear it was an excuse to not do things. I can tell you that living with this label has honestly done the opposite for me. Instead of giving up all the time under the misconception that I just wasn’t working hard enough or I just did everything wrong, I’m simply able to recognize the source of the stumbling block and move it or have more patience with it, which has allowed me to complete more tasks rather than less.

I know accepting something about yourself or someone you love can be scary and overwhelming. I’m literally the poster-child for the easily overwhelmed. Still, I am so thankful that it finally sunk in for me! If you suspect someone you love might identify with some of the things I’ve shared, I’m happy to chat about it! Evaluating yourself with the wrong gauge is exhausting so you might be doing them a favor. :)